ABOUT MEN
What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."
How many men does it take to screw a light bulb?
A.One - men will screw anything.
B.One - men will screw up anything.
C.Five - one to actually do the screwing, four to listen to him brag about it
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
Who knows? - did it ever happen??
What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What does a man consider a seven course meal?
A hot dog and a six pack.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes
Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini
Why do men like blonde jokes so much?
Because they can understand them
What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind.
2. No business.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift?
Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women?
Opposites Attract.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Element Name: MAN
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape
easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due
to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young
samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also
tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd
(Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with
alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to
produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins
to smell.
Element Name: WOMAN
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze
any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity
to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to
absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a
better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of
wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
Speed Limit
A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph. He
turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he
noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in
the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was
doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you
should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to
other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the
route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him
for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay?
These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time."
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route
119."
The following is from a 1950's
Home Economics textbook intended for the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for
married life.
1. Have dinner ready:
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking
about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and
the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
2. Prepare yourself:
Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he
arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has
just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting.
His boring day may need a lift.
3. Clear away the clutter:
Make one last trip through the main part of the house
just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a
dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and
order, and it will give you a lift too.
4. Prepare the children:
Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces
if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little
treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
5. Minimize the noise:
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer,
dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see
him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
6. Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that
day.
7. Make him comfortable:
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he
lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and
offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him
to relax and unwind.
8. Listen to him:
You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his
arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
9. Make the evening his:
Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to
other places of entertainment; instead try to understand his world of strain and pressure
and his need to be home and relax.
10. The Goal:
Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband
can relax
Now The updated version for the
'90s woman.
1. Have dinner ready:
Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where you'd like to eat
and at what time. This lets him know that your day has been crappy and gives him an
opportunity to change your mood.
2. Prepare yourself:
A quick stop at the "LANCÔME" counter on your way
home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming irritated every time
he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his credit card!)
3. Clear away the clutter:
Call the housekeeper and let her know you'll need her
for an extra day this week. Tell her that any miscellaneous items left on the floor by the
children can be placed in the Goodwill box in the garage.
4. Prepare the children:
Drop them off at grandma's!
5. Minimize the noise:
When he arrives at home remind him that the washer and
garbage disposal are still not working properly and the noise is driving you crazy (but do
this in a nice way and greet him with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).
6. Some DON'TS:
Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him speak first,
and then your complaints will get more attention and remain fresh in his mind throughout
dinner. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home
does the cooking and the cleanup.
7. Make him comfortable:
Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy blanket if he's
cold. This will show you really care.
8. Listen to him:
But don't ever let him get the last word.
9. Make the evening his:
A chance to get the washer and garbage disposal fixed.
10. The Goal:
To try to keep things amicable without reminding him that you make
more money than he does.
SCARY BUT
QUITE TRUE
Smart Man + Smart Woman= Romance
Smart Man + Dumb Woman = Pregnancy
Dumb Man + Smart Woman = Affair
Dumb Man + Dumb Woman = Marriage
Smart Boss + Smart Employee = Profit
Smart Boss + Dumb Employee = Production
Dumb Boss + Smart Employee = Promotion
Dumb Boss + Dumb Employee = Overtime
A Man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A Woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
A Woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her
at all.
Married men live longer than single man, but married men are a lot more willing
to die.
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's mo use in two people
remembering the same thing.
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
Seminars For
Females
Women think they already know
everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the
following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone
Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only
Please register immediately as courses are
in great demand.
AT THE DOCTOR
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After his check up, the doctor called his wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very serious disease, combined with
horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband can die. Each
morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good
mood. For lunch, fix him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially
nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your stress; this
will probably make him feel worse. And most importantly, you must be intimate
with your husband every day of the week. If you can do this for at least 10
months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say to
you?"
"You're going to die."
WOMEN'S
BUMPER STICKERS...
1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.
2. GOD MADE US SISTERS; PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.
3. IF THEY DON'T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN'T GOING.
4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.
5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.
6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN. . . SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.
7. DON'T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.
8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.
9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.
10. I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN-AND I HAVE A GUN.
11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE...WHO CARES?
12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.
13. AND YOUR POINT IS...?
14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.
15. OF COURSE I DON'T LOOK BUSY...I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.
16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.
17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.
18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.
19. I'M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.
20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON'T GO AWAY?
21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I'M NOT.
23. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I'M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.
24. DON'T UPSET ME! I'M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.
SANTA'S
A WOMAN
I hate to be the one to defy
sacred myth, but I believe he's a she. Think about it.
Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social
deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it
all off!
For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about
selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always
seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and
mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm
convinced Santa is a woman.
Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake
up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the
tree, still in the shopping bag.
Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of
all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted
and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed,
desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzen's rack
would already be on the way to the taxidermist. Even if the male Santa
DID still have reindeer, he'd also have the transportation problems
because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds
and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.
Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man:
-Men can't pack a bag.
-Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet.
-Men would feel their masculinity is threatened... having to be seen
with all those elves.
-Men don't answer their mail.
-Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in
jest, as anything remotely resembling a "bowl full of
jelly."
-Men aren't interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing
them.
-Having to do the Ho Ho Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability
to pick up women.
-Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a
commitment.
I can buy the fact other mythical
holiday characters are men:
-Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous.
Definite guy.
-Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
-Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers. Any one of
these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not
Santa!!!!
